By Renovo Path Team · · 7 min read · Practices
Loving-kindness meditation, called metta in Pali, is a practice of silently directing wishes of goodwill, first to yourself and then to others, using simple phrases such as 'may I be safe, may I be well, may I be at ease'. It is one of the oldest meditation practices in the Buddhist tradition and is now widely taught in secular settings. Many self-critical, high-achieving people find it surprisingly difficult, and surprisingly useful.
This guide explains how to practise it step by step, what to do when the phrases feel false or the feeling does not come, what research suggests about its effects and when to take care.
What loving-kindness meditation is
Metta is usually translated as loving-kindness or goodwill. In the practice, you sit quietly and bring to mind a person, beginning with yourself, then repeat a few phrases that express a wish for their wellbeing. The aim is not to manufacture a feeling but to set an intention, and to notice what arises as you do.
Over time, the practice is extended to a benefactor or friend, a neutral person, a difficult person and eventually all beings. It is a way of training the habit of goodwill, in the way that breath meditation trains attention.
Why it can be hard
If you are self-critical, the first step, offering goodwill to yourself, can feel awkward, undeserved or even false. You may hear an inner voice scoff. This is very common, and does not mean you are doing it wrong. It shows how habitual harsh self-talk can be.
Many teachers suggest beginning with someone who is easy to care about, such as a friend, a child or a pet, and returning to yourself later. There is no rule that you must start with yourself, and finding an easier entry point is a sign of sense, not weakness.
The traditional phrases
You can change the words to suit you: 'may I be kind to myself', 'may I be free from suffering', 'may I be peaceful'. Choose phrases that feel true and gentle, and say them slowly, with pauses between.
- May I be safe
- May I be healthy and strong
- May I be happy
- May I be at ease
How to practise, step by step
A session of ten to twenty minutes is typical. You may spend the whole time on one step, and that is perfectly fine. Go at your own pace.
- Sit comfortably, close your eyes and take a few slow breaths.
- Bring to mind someone you care about easily, such as a friend, and silently repeat the phrases for them.
- Turn to yourself, and repeat the phrases, imagining or feeling yourself being cared for.
- Extend the phrases to a neutral person, someone you see but do not know well.
- If you feel ready, bring to mind someone you find difficult, and offer the same wishes, with care.
- Finally, extend goodwill to all beings, near and far, and rest in the feeling or intention for a minute.
What to do when nothing happens
Often, the phrases feel mechanical and no warm feeling arises. This is normal and does not mean the practice is failing. Keep going, and notice what is present: perhaps indifference, resistance or a faint warmth. The training lies in the repeated intention, not in producing a specific emotion.
You can also add imagery, such as picturing the person smiling, or remembering a time when you felt cared for, and see if that helps. If you feel flat, that is information too, and it is fine. Be patient, and do not force.
When difficult feelings arise
Sometimes loving-kindness brings up sadness, grief, irritation or old pain, particularly when wishing yourself well touches places where you feel you have not been cared for. If this happens, you can pause, open your eyes, breathe slowly and return to a more neutral practice, such as following the breath.
If strong feelings arise often, or you have a history of trauma or depression, consider practising with the guidance of a teacher or therapist. The practice is meant to be supportive, and you can adapt it to protect yourself.
What research suggests
Studies of loving-kindness and compassion practices suggest they can increase positive emotions and feelings of social connection, and may reduce self-criticism for some people, though the research is still developing and effects vary. Some studies are small, and measuring something like compassion is not simple.
A balanced reading is that the practice can be helpful for many, particularly in softening harsh self-judgement, and that it is not a substitute for therapy where that is needed. As with other practices, try it for a few weeks and see how it works for you.
Loving-kindness in daily life
These small acts require no time and build the habit. Over weeks, many people notice they are a little softer with themselves and others.
- Silently wish well to a colleague before a difficult meeting
- Offer a brief phrase to a stranger on your commute
- Say a few kind words to yourself when you make a mistake
- End your day by wishing well to someone you love
- Notice when you criticise yourself, and pause to ask what you would say to a friend
Loving-kindness and the Silent Gap
For people who feel flat after doing everything right, loving-kindness can seem sentimental. Yet many accomplished people discover that the quiet absence they feel is partly an absence of warmth towards themselves. They have been driven, efficient and demanding, and have rarely been gentle.
A short loving-kindness practice, done regularly, can soften that. It does not solve the larger questions about meaning and direction, but it can make them easier to face, since you are no longer attacking yourself for having them.
A simple two-week plan
After two weeks, note what you noticed. If it helped, continue. If it did not, try another practice, and consider talking to a teacher.
- Days one to three: practise five minutes, wishing well to a person you love.
- Days four to seven: add two minutes for yourself, using a phrase that feels true.
- Days eight to ten: extend to a neutral person for a minute.
- Days eleven to fourteen: practise ten minutes, spending time where it feels most natural.
Adapting the practice to your temperament
Some people find phrases dry, and prefer images or sensations: imagining warm light, a hand on the heart or the face of someone they love. Others like to use their own words. Experiment, and pick the form that you can keep up. The aim is a sincere, gentle intention.
If you find the practice too sentimental, try framing it as a plain wish: 'I hope you are well.' If you feel too raw, begin with a short practice of two minutes. Adapting the practice to fit you is part of making it your own.
Loving-kindness and difficult relationships
Offering goodwill to someone you find difficult does not mean excusing their behaviour or reconciling. It means loosening the grip of resentment on your own mind. You can wish them well from a distance, and still set boundaries. Many people find this one of the most challenging and liberating parts of the practice.
If the person has harmed you seriously, you may want to skip this step or work with a therapist. There is no obligation to forgive, and no practice should require you to override your own safety.
Metta and the five hindrances
Loving-kindness practice invites the same obstacles as other meditation: restlessness, sleepiness, doubt, irritation and craving. It also invites a few particular to the practice, such as feeling insincere or self-conscious. As always, the response is to notice and return, without scolding yourself.
Some teachers say that metta is a practice for the heart as much as for the mind, and that sincerity matters more than feeling. If the phrases feel hollow, say them slowly and let them be wishes, not claims. Over weeks, the intention often warms, even if the feeling comes and goes.
Common questions
What does metta mean?
It is a Pali word usually translated as loving-kindness or goodwill.
Do I have to start with myself?
No. Many teachers suggest starting with someone easy to care about if directing it at yourself feels hard.
What if I feel nothing?
That is common. The practice is the repeated intention, not producing a feeling. Keep it gentle.
Is it religious?
It comes from Buddhist tradition, but is widely taught in secular forms and does not require belief.
Keep reading
If this sounds familiar, the Silent Gap explains the pattern, and the free Silent Gap guide gives you six questions to sit with. The next Renovo Path retreat is in Kochi, Kerala, on 24–27 December 2026, by application.